Those Damn Ross Kids - Episode 1 (09-21-2010)

Episode Page Description

In this first episode, we discuss our greatest fears, suggestions, and emotional pie.


Kole begins by offering (read: threatening) to use the magic of audio cutting and pasting to make Kris say things like "Kole is the best podcaster ever."

Following the intro music (Chase the Devil by Eagles of Death Metal[1]), the Ross Kids discuss what this podcast should be. Issues? Debates? Stories ripped from the headlines? A discussion of life experiences? Kole notes that his life experiences consist of video games and being annoyed at volunteers. Kris shares that annoyance, observing that auxiliary police get to use a proper siren and flashing light to blow through intersections, while he has to use one of those party lights attached to the roof of his car. This makes him look like he's just impersonating an officer. Or is perhaps an old-timey English bobby. As a better way to avoid abuses by impostor officers, Kris suggests that laws be more like recommendations. You would learn from the mistakes of others. Seeing a string of car wrecks might just make you slow down before taking that sharp turn. Kole cites the Skeleton Coast[2] as an existing example of this, just for boats.

Kris suggests that the podcast format should just be the Ross Kids agreeing with each other. For 2 hours. It would be like Amicable Pie (Title at 7:22). Kole suggests marketing food with flavors based on abstract concepts. The following flavors are born:

  • Amicable Pie (Raspberry)
  • Regretful Pie
  • Disdainful Pie (Now with too much marshmallow!)
  • Ennui Smoothie
  • Sinful Pie (With razor blades)

The Ross Kids begin discussing their greatest fears. Kole fears being murdered (by stabbing, mostly). Not afraid of death (it'll be nice!), but afraid of the prospect that someone could murder him. Kris harbors the exact opposite fear, waking up every day fearing that he murdered someone (not Kole, so he claims). Fear that he did something terrible. Kole is surprised at Kris' lack of fear of someone breaking in and stealing his jewels, until he learns that Kris owns neither jewels, nor poetry books by Jewel. This leads into a discussion of things you have to do to become famous. The current TDRK Fame Bingo card:

  • Live in a car
  • Suck 18 cocks through a plywood wall ("Oral Plinko")
  • Have an addiction

Okay, back to murder. Kris decides to set up mannequins as decoys so he can "kill" them, then get back to bed. Since he's never murdered anyone, he decides that he only needs one mannequin, rather than wasting money on more. Kole is dubious, and suggests a mobile of mannequins so Kris can chase them. But will child services come a'knockin' if they see a mobile of battered, bloodied mannequins running in a circle to ice cream truck music? We may never know, but we do learn that Kole's concept of ice cream truck music is either The Entertainer[3] or When the Saints go Marching In[4]. That, and he hears ice cream truck songs in the white noise of every vacuum. Talking of SpongeBob pops, Kris unpacks another fear: basement trunk-style freezers[5]. He's scared of them because he doesn't know what's in them, and therefore in his mind, its contents can be the most terrifying thing possible.

Kole once sat in on a lecture given by a mall Santa, but probably didn't get as much out of it as he could have since he was just nodding thoughtfully to appear attentive (a skill he mastered during 4 years of college). A mention of aphasia[6] leads to a discussion of verbal tics, one of Kole's being trailing run-on thoughts into "I don't know, that's just interesting," one of Kris's being "that's counter-intuitive to most conservative ideology." Kris notes that it's hard to test catchphrases, since he has to test them on someone he probably won't ever talk to again. He describes this as throwing a cracker or breadcrumbs, and Kole turns the phrase to "just feeding ducks." (Network title at 27:33) Kole cites his penchant for coming up with these folksy turns of phrase, with Kris noting that Kole invented the term "surprise sex." Kole insists that he didn't invent the concept of being blase about sexual assault. Kris is noncommittal.

The episode ends with Kole summing up the last half hour with a few choice aphorisms, forgetting if it was Lovecraft[7] or Nietzsche[8] who said "when you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares back" (it was Nietzsche). Kris notes that the two writers are not even close.

Suggested Talking Points

None are listed for this episode. The episode page states that they are "Soon to come."

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