David Attenborough's Stupid Earth

Wherein Those Damn Ross Kids talk about petty rage, cheap meat, scavenger hunts, and workshop the pilot for David Attenborough’s Stupid Earth.

Those Damn Ross Kids Episode 2 aired on September 28th, 2010.


Kole opens by asserting that he's not afraid of being eaten by bears, because then a baby bear wouldn't go hungry. From bears to bears.

After the intro music (Chase the Devil by Eagles of Death Metal[1]), Kole suggests they introduce themselves to help listeners differentiate between them. Kris suggests Kole just narrate the whole thing, subtextual emotions and all. We learn that Kole's microphone experience lets him resist scratching his chin, but curses him to hear when Kris scratches his chin into the mic. Kris flips Kole off.

Thanks to the power of local radio (Y105 - All the Hits[2]), Kris learned that the local Chinese food place is selling 20 rib-eye steaks in the parking lot for $20. The Ross Kids suspect foul play. Kole describes his experience with men in a delivery van selling surplus meat outside the local Chinese food joint[3]. Kris describes his experience with men in a pickup truck wondering if he "likes the meat." They probably meant steak. The Ross Kids muse if such a venture would be successful since it's pirate (they mean guerrilla) merchandising. Kris likens it to selling tampons and douches outside the dentist. You're so surprised you just reflexively buy it! Maybe that snatch has snatchal halitosis.

Kris hates it when people say "you don't get to talk to me like that anymore." Kole helpfully improvs.

KFC sells chicken. The double down has chicken instead of bread, but the chicken is breaded. In Kentucky, this culinary delight is being advertised on young women's derrieres. This brings up advertising things in inappropriate spots:

  • Toothpaste for Meth Heads (pH balanced for the meth head mouth)
  • Seat belt cozies for alcoholics (they're fresh and fly!)

Speaking of good ideas, Kris suggests opening a Chinese buffet. It's like a food cooperative, like the give-a-penny/take-a-penny. I eat a bunch, but that guy isn't food drunk. Kole counter-offers with a punk rock themed all-you-can-eat seafood buffet restaurant named Holiday in Clambodia. The dining area would be decked out like Black Flag and Dead Kennedys. He may have over-prepared his pitch though, rehearsing in the mirror for meetings with VCs (venture capitalists). Kris is concerned that VC also stands for Viet Cong. And we're talking about Clambodia here.

Kole has a complicated relationship with movie theaters. Going to the theater is unappealing, but he likes movies. So he tries to go on weekday afternoons because the only people there are sad unemployed folks who are actually there to see the movie. None of those smelly loud folks texting the whole time (who Kole would happily put in front of a firing squad). He came to see one big screen, not a thousand shitty little screens, dammit! Kris observes that one's ability to hate others starts where one's self-hatred ends. So Kole must hate himself a whole bunch.

Hearkening back to Episode 1, Kole sites a fear of things that other people do that he doesn't know about. Kris likens this to that one time he posed as a criminal sketch artist and facilitated a conviction of Frosty the Snowman as a rapist[4].

What's hot right now, Kris? What's hot right now is a show called American Pickers[5]. A picker is a guy who drives around and buys junk from people, then sells said junk at a profit. Like the inverse of the VCs on Pitchmen[6]. This is not dissimilar from the storage locker folks discussed on that one This American Life episode[7], but Kris is having none of that, because fuck basement chest freezers. Similarly, fuck Kris's storage shed. Who knows what's in there! Maybe teenagers broke in and a guy is putting his penis on a girl. Like, on her. He doesn't know what to do. It's like a slap watch.

Yet another fear of Kole's is dying in a compromising position and being the guy who died blue-faced, ball gag in his mouth, Dick in the Mashed Potatoes (the album featuring the hit single "Gravy (Pour it On)"). But food fetishism is definitely a thing, including such acts as:

  • Lapping creamed corn out of your partner's over-sized bellybutton while dressed like a cat
  • Eating corn flakes out of the dimple at the top of your partner's ass crack
  • Taking an apple from the produce section, sneaking over to art supplies and rubbing it on your taint
  • Hiding 30 raw almonds in your crevices. Your partner has 4 minutes. Begin.

We are treated here to a full segment of Kole laughing.

A brief discussion of that one Wal-Mart criminal (not the one who stole a TV between her legs, the one who rubbed one out to the IS catalog then wiped his hands on a toy light-saber) leads the Ross Kids to a franchise idea. David Attenborough of Nature Films narrating surveillance footage of the world's dumbest criminals. David Attenborough's Stupid Earth (title at 25:55) is pitch, concept and execution all in one.

In this segment the Ross Kids repeat the show title a whole bunch. Kole laughs.

Kris ate a 1 pound bag of Reese's Pieces. Peanut Butter M&Ms just seem unnecessary when Reese's Pieces exist. The Ross Kids incorrectly site both candies being owned by Mars (Reese's Pieces is owned by Hershey's), causing Kole to fret over a single company owning All The Candy. But that's what progressives want! They want to take away your candy and replace it with communism[8]!

Kole gives us some final admin and says he's happy we're loyally listening. Thanks, Kole!

Finally, in post-roll, Kris suggests replacing the Hamburgler with a scale with a mean face on it. Hamburgler Robber Barons just doesn't work though.

Suggested Talking Points

None are listed for this episode. The episode page states that they are "Soon to come."

Notes of Interest

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