Deadly Towers

Created by Broderbund, played on NES

Abject Suffering Episode 9 (5/2/2013)

Recommended by Justin Nonegiven


Gary joins Kole at the Children's Science Museum. Kole leads Gary to the spirograph over butcher paper, and explains that it is giving Wanted-style messages. Kole spins the spirograph and it reads out Deadly Towers.

Kole: Holy shit, he ate his shirt.


Gary states who recommended this game, and they love how not giving a last name makes it show up as "Nonegiven". Kole explains that this game was originally going to be called Hell's Bells. Gary makes a bunch of references to AC/DC songs, ending by referencing Guns & Roses. Gary tells a story about a mom's boyfriend who would clean the house while blasting the greatest hits of AC/DC, such as Dirty Deeds, Big Balls, I Wanna Rock and Roll All Night, Honkin' on Bobo. Gary and Kole talk about listening to music in the shower. They talk about 2112 by Rush, Kole is able to identify the second movement of 2112, The Temples of Syrinx, from a single line of lyrics. Gary talks about an unsuccessful Rush-themed Facebook post. Kole listens to podcasts in the shower.

Gary tells about how this game almost didn't get the Nintendo Seal of Quality, but only because of the title. Kole compares this game to Dark Souls, Gary calls it "shitty Dark Souls" and a "standard action game". Gary goes on to describe the protagonist of Deadly Towers as "a chubby Zelda wearing pajamas and shooting swords out of his dick, attempting to fight globes of water". The enemies are compared to Marble Madness. They camp on the fact that you are clearly shooting swords out of your dick. Kole compares the protagonist to his childhood drawings of Kain from Final Fantasy 2. They mention Angry Video Game Nerd. Gary talks about the terrible navigation in this game, which Kole compares to being blackout drunk. Kole did not care enough to draw a map. Gary supposes that any map Kole draws would be ludicrous. Kole compares the game to house of leaves. Gary compares the navigation in Deadly Towers to Goonies II. The hit points of enemies are called into question. Gary does not like that you can only have one dicksword on screen at a time. The terrible stunlocking and combat in general are discussed. Gary describes how the combat in this game fails in ways that even the games he's made in GameMaker do not. The game's powerup system is discussed and compared to Binding of Isaac. Gary talks about Dr. Sparkle playing this for Chrontendo. The grinding in this game is described and compared to Final Fantasy 2 or Tactics. Deadly Towers uses a password system.

Kole talks about the story of the game, and how it was going to be called Hell's Bells because your goal is to burn a series of bells. The hosts think maybe it's a Shinto thing, and say a bunch of semi-racist things jokingly. After stating it's a joke, Kole implores offended Japanese people to not do Kung-Fu on him. Gary and Kole discuss how this game was popular at the time it was released, and not that bad in that context.

Gary reads Wikipedia, and follows a link to a map of Deadly Towers. Kole compares the map to Dungeons and Dragons map made by prisoners. Gary thinks it looks like something that would summon Nyarolathotep, or spelling out God's secret name. They discuss the first boss fight, against a dragon, which both hosts liked more than most other aspects of the game. They state that this might be one of the earliest game's they've played, and while it's not all bad it has many problems that even other games of the same era had overcome. There are no good GameFAQs reviews for this game. Gary wants to find a sincere let's play of this, then praises Chrontendo some more. Kole finds some ridiculous GameFAQs message board posts, because it is an unpopular board. Gary supposes that people could use dead GameFAQs boards to arrange drug deals or have secret conversations.

Justin is told to go fuck himself.


Gary: Praise the Sun

Other bad games referenced

Milon's Secret Castle
Kid Kool
Wayne's World

Inside Jokes

Gary's Childhood - Gary tells a story about his mom's AC/DC loving boyfriend.
Honkin' on Bobo - This album is mentioned in a list of songs, intentionally misattributed to AC/DC.
Dark Souls - Deadly Towers is like shitty Dark Souls. Gary praises the sun.
House of Leaves - The relation between doors in this game has a House of Leaves-like quality, says Kole.
Tomba Widths - Measurement in this game is referred to in Tomba Widths.
GameFAQs - GameFAQs message boards are discussed. First reference to drug deals taking place on dead GameFAQs message boards.

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