Those Damn Ross Kids - Episode 4 (10-19-2010)

Episode Page Description

Wherein those damn Ross kids discuss lying for science, conspiracy theories, and milkshakes.

Summary

Musing over business models, Kole has discovered that providing someone with an internship will cause the government to subsidize intern-related aspects of the podcast. Kris agrees to be Kole's intern, but is puzzled as to why the podcast needs money. Kole says the lawyers fees are high now that he is pursuing a patent for the mannequin mobile, plus beer isn't free. And he basically just wants money.

After the theme song plays (Chase the Devil by Eagles of Death Metal[1]), the topic of uniforms comes up. Kole wears a black t-shirt, jeans and boots. Kris suggests a black utility suit with cargo pockets, finding one on Amazon with 103 pockets and a silver belt (search term: "didn't happen"). This leads to a discussion of making shit up. Kole likes to see people repeat falsehoods that he has created, just so they look like jackasses. Kris observes that you can only cry scorpion for so long ("that's so metal!") before people catch on and you have to start making up things that are utterly unbelievable. One of Kole's favorite lies is that bees don't feel pain. Kris calls bullshit though, citing a scientific study on the pain receptors of bees[2]. Kole is wowed by the possibilities of being a scientist. You could do anything you want and if anyone asks why, just say it's for science (title at 4:59). Rather than bees though, Kole would just research something banal like how much water a person can drink. This would lead to some sweet government grants for minimal effort, due to a dearth of scientists in America (there are 4). This research, however, has already been done, as Kole recalls the "Hold Your Wee for a Wii" incident[3].

Kris asks what an Uncle Tom is. Kole bleeps his question out, but eventually explains the origin and meaning of the term[4].

Kole hates bumper stickers, as they are thrust without consent into the awareness of passersby and tend to serve as proxy to a well-reasoned opinion. This leads to an examination of conspiracy theories such as:

• President Obama's identity as an Illuminatus
• President Obama's identity as a Lizard Man
• Stealth Jews (who are Lizard People, but not all Lizard People are Stealth Jews)
• The earth is hollow and we're living on the inside of it
• Chem trails

Kole is fascinated by cognitive dissonance, which is of course that thing that kills you on the Oregon Trail[5]. Or possibly it's the negative feeling you get when you hold two directly opposing beliefs. But probably what kills you when you drink too much river water. Kris opines that that's counter-intuitive to most conservative ideology.

Courtesy of Kris, the following is a list of things you should never say to a police officer:

• "Sure I'm naked, but I'm buckled up."
• Anything at all if you're black.
• (To a female officer) "Girl, all the stuff I'm gonna do to you I learned at Sea World."
• "Jeez, your eyes look glazed. Have you been eating donuts?"
• "That's not a lot of pot, you should see what I've got in the trunk!"

Kole balks at the mention of rape humor. Kris suggests using another word. Like milkshake. Distressing imagery ensues. Don't let Johnny take you to the malt shop for a milkshake.

There were 15 Lassies. There were only 4 Flippers. Craft Services served Tuna a bunch.

The word umbrella is 410 years old[6]. Kris wants words he coins to enter common parlance, but he can't remember any of them. Kole remembers way too much about Latin roots, as well as Pig Latin. Kris takes umbrage.

Kole runs down the steps in telling someone their TV show is cancelled:

1. There's a warm-up period where they stop airing the shows
2. They send someone down to "haunt" the studio until you ask to quit
3. You ask to quit citing the haunting
4. They tell you you've been off the air for months
5. They peel off on a motorcycle

Kole just wants to be appreciated. Kris appreciates him, but does so in language that sounds like it came out of a birthday card from your grandparents. The Ross Kids lament the depressing, generic lies in greeting cards. Kole's hatred of wrapping paper leads Kris to express disdain for societal customs in general, punching people in the throat instead of saying hello, wearing only black utility jumpsuits with silver belts (low crotch, high waist), and spending most of our time documenting the effects of various drugs on bees. A digression on the causes of shortness ends with the fun fact that every 7 years, your body is completely new, having excreted all its old cells, along with any ingested bubble gum.

In the post-roll, we're treated to a bit of a blooper reel. Kole directs, while Kris repeats the phrase "that is counter-intuitive to most conservative ideology" a full 6 times over the course of a minute.

Suggested Talking Points

None are listed for this episode. The episode page states that they are "Soon to come."