J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord Of The Rings Volume 1

Created by Interplay, played on SNES

Abject Suffering Episode 5 (3/7/2013)

Recommended by Brett Murphy


Kole introduces Gary to Mr. Boots, his pet goat. Gary hands Kole a rusty letter opener. Kole sacrifices the goat and it spells out "Lord of the Rings Volume 1". Gary is confused and asks if it's one of the good Lord of the Rings games on PS2. It is not.

Gary: Oooooooaaahahfuuuuuck.
Kole: It was like you opened a two liter of fuck that was left in the car all day.
Gary: It's what happens when you open up a Coke Fuck You.


Kole explains the Rankin-Bass Lord of the Rings cartoons, which this is loosely based on. Gary does not care for the LOTR songs outside of the cartoons. The books are praised outside of the lengthy segments of "eating and camping". Camping food is discussed, particularly hardtack v. Johnny Cakes. Kole wants to talk about the Simpsons instead. The opening scroll of the game is described, Gary's emulator glitched out the first letter of every line, making the game have many references to "warf Lords". Gary wishes there was a Lord of the Rings episode of Star Trek. Both hosts love Star Trek: The Next Generation. The pacing problems with the game's dialogue is referenced. Gary is surprised that Interplay made this "piece of shit". Kole jokingly suggests describing the whole plot of Lord of the Rings. The problems that this game has in adapting its source material is described at length, in particular the "Gaffer's Glasses" sidequest. The problems with control in this game is described, mainly in awkward movement and the responsiveness of the combat.

Gary and Kole are very amused by the skeleton-centered death animations in this game. Apparently Frodo's sword has the ability to turn anything it touches instantly into a skeleton. Kole wants this power. Gary implies that the Wishmaster could give him this power, leading into Gary describing the Wishmaster films to Kole. Gary and Kole discuss wishes and genies for a while, and how they fit into Dungeons & Dragons. The influence of Lord of the Rings on tabletop gaming, the fantasy genre, and gaming in general is discussed. Gary guesses what the pitch meeting leading to this game might have been like. The mazes are compared to Phantasy Star II. Merry and Pippin turning into skeletons is described. Gary and Kole boast about losing their virginity. The difficulty of the game and its party system is condemned.

Brett Murphy is told to go fuck himself, although not too hard because he also recommended the music from the game which is very good. PC vs console RPG pacing is discussed. The Gold Box D&D games are praised. Gary describes The Immortal (incorrectly calling it The Magician), comparing some elements to this game, in particular the "PC-ness" of both games. Other Lord of the Rings games are described by both hosts, mostly good.

Gary describes his final few minutes with the game. Gary goes on to ask Kole if he played any more, Kole responds "Everyone I knew and loved turned into a skeleton and then I turned into a skeleton". Gary tells Kole that should be on his gravestone. Animals as RPG enemies are discussed, Gary tries to avoid that as much as possible while dungeon mastering. The hosts come up with ways this game could have been better, and closer to the source material. The missed potential of this game is derided, and the hosts wished this game could be their first redemption. Gary reads a 10/10 GameFAQs review. They find it very humorous that the GameFAQs reviewer specifies that he's never heard someone die in real life. A 9/10 GameFAQs review is mocked. Kole knows a lot about Lord of the Rings, pretends to be distraught. The perils of criticizing Lord of the Rings are discussed, Tom Bombadil is criticized. Kole wonders if anyone reads GameFAQs reviews for any reason other than mocking them on podcasts.

Gary talks about the TV show Maximum Exposure for a while. A particularly stupid episode title is compared to one of the GameFAQs reviews. Brett isn't told to go fuck himself because the game is bad, but not that bad. The hosts are happy to talk about Shaq-Fu next week. Gary proposes getting Shaq arrested, in a scenario where he and Kole dress up like little dutch boys.


Kole: You can put that in your spank bank! Good night! Hooray for that.
Gary: I want someone to draw that pretty bad. I'd be real happy with that. If they don't do that, I will.

Other bad games referenced

Mike Tyson's Intergalactic Power Punch
The Lord of the Rings: The Third Age
Star Wars Online

Inside Jokes

Coke Fuck You - Gary compares his pronunciation of fuck in the intro to a Coke Fuck You.
Tomba Widths - Kole describes combat strategy in JRRTLOTRV1 using Tomba Widths as a unit of measurement.
Skeletons - The skeleton-based death animations are repeatedly referenced during the episode.
GameFAQs - GameFAQs reviews for this game are read.

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