Jurassic Park

Created by Sega, played on Sega Genesis

Abject Suffering Episode 8 (4/25/2013)

Recommended by James Robinson


Gary shows Kole a glowing rock his son, Groby, found. Gary's wife brings him a geiger counter. They use atomic decay to determine that they are playing Jurassic Park.

Kole, in a dinosaur voice: FUUUUUCK.
Gary: Yay.


Kole explains they are playing Jurassic Park for the Genesis, not another version, while explaining all of the other bad Jurassic Park games. They mention The Lost World: Jurassic park for the Playstation, which is terrible despite being a grappling hook game. Gary explains that if you show up at Kole's house in a Santa suit carrying a grappling hook he will let you in. Gary uses many menacing Christmas-themed euphemisms, including "lumps of Kole", meaning his testicles. Gary had fond memories of the SNES Jurassic Park, but reminds the audience that he had fond memories of this game.

The Wikipedia entry for this game, and Wikipedia editors in general, are mocked. Gary particularly enjoys the game being referred to as a "standard action game in the platform genre". They talk about a fictional game called "Standard Action Game", during which Kole makes a reference to Repo Man, accidentally calling it Repo Men. They hypothesize that the Wikipedia article was written by Billy Pilgrim because of its many tense errors. The game is compared to Home Improvement, when you're playing as Grant. Many problems with how Grant controls and his weapons are discussed, along with the terrible level design. Gary brings up the floating Brachiosaur head next to a pit, and is disappointed that he cannot slide down it like Fred Flintstone. The hosts mock the claim that this game contains Artificial Dinosaur Intelligence, or ADI. Gary states, "the people who made this game only stopped to think whether they could, not whether they should," followed by a few more Jurassic Park quotes changed to be about this game.

Gary and Kole love the Jurassic Park movie, and go on to state that it is their favorite Spielberg movie, or George Lucas movie, or Harmony Korine movie, or R Lee Ermy movie, or Werner Herzog movie. They discuss the power station level, and talk of the control problems. This game is unfavorably compared to Werewolf: The Last Warrior in both control and music. Gary points out this game has the same composer as the Shadowrun Genesis game. Kole states that the creators of the game were thinking ahead and made the game with savestates in mind. Kole and Gary talk about passwords in old games, and how awful they are outside of a few games like Adventures of Lolo and Mega Man. Kole tells a story about calling his uncle for Zombies Ate My Neighbors passwords, which he kept on a notepad. Gary asks if this is the same uncle with all the VHS tapes, Kole corrects him because that is his stepfather (the same uncle his mom married, according to Gary).

They wonder who set up all these dinosaurs, the conclusion is that it was Nedry, or maybe God or the Devil putting the dinosaurs here to test or trick us. Young Earth Creationists are mocked. Gary and Kole loved Jurassic Park because they were 13 and 6, respectively, when it came out. Gary and Kole do not like the original novel, which starts with 60 pages of bullshit, but Gary liked it at the time because he loved the movie so much. Gary tells a story about his Jurassic Park bucket. The many positive aspects of the Jurassic Park movie are discussed. Kole talks about how he remembered this game being good, comparing it to WOFF episodes he thought would be good, Klonoa is specifically referenced.

Kole talks about his love of Laura Dern, because of how attracted he was to her as a six year old, due to her nice smile and love of dinosaurs. Gary also remembered this game being good. They talk about playing the game as the velociraptor, which is incredibly hard to control and has a funny kick animation. The velociraptor can eat compys, but when you kill people they turn into cartoony hamhocks, which they must have eaten whole like Heathcliff. Gary and Kole discuss fish skeletons. Playing as the velociraptor is comparatively easy. Kole and Gary have problems reconciling the content of this game with the story of Jurassic Park. Kole hypothesizes that since so many other sites are mentioned in the many Jurassic Park sequels, this could be one with only a few variables changed.

Gary reads a ridiculous 10/10 GameFAQs review. The author wrote many equally ridiculous 10/10 reviews for other Genesis movie tie-in games. Kole reads a message board post where people discuss the game while watching the movie. They talk about Spider-Man/X-Men: Arcade's Revenge, which was also reviewed by the same guy. Gary and Kole do not like this game, it is somehow worse than Home Improvement. They state that Home Improvement is probably the best game they've played for Abject Suffering.

They tell James Robinson to go fuck himself.


Gary: Why are you doing this to us, good night and good luck, praise the sun.
Kole: Bye.

Other bad games referenced

Jurassic Park (SNES)
The Lost World: Jurassic Park
Jurassic Park: Rampage Edition
Spider Man: Maximum Carnage
Home Improvement
Comix Zone
Earthworm Jim 2
Judge Dredd
T2 The Arcade Game
Toy Story
Army Men Sarge's Heroes
Spider Man/X-Men Arcade's Revenge
Deadly Towers

Inside Jokes

Grappling Hooks - Kole's love of grappling hooks in delved into while discussing the various awful Jurassic Park games.
Kole's Childhood - Kole talks about his uncle's notepad, and his experiences with Jurassic Park when it first was in theaters.
Gary's Childhood - Gary tells a story about drinking popcorn water and reading Michael Chrichton.
Skeletons - Fish skeletons are mentioned in reference to Heathcliff.
GameFAQs - Some reviews and message board posts are read.
Dark Souls - Gary signs off with "praise the sun".

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