Pepsi Excuse Me


It is the holidays, so Gary is beset constantly by pizza parties at work. Finding himself at onesuch party, he laments the thirst-inducing nature of pizza and wonders why no drinks are available in silence. Later he takes a co-worker aside and asks her "what was up with that?", she explains that she did in fact bring Pepsi brand cola and that it was in her "bag" the entire time. As a result of his thirst Gary cannot even sleep that night, and wonders how he can stop future generations from experiencing the same trauma. His solution: "Pepsi Excuse Me."

Product Summery

"hey, excuse me, i'm pepsi"

Don't you hate how easy it is to forget that you have a supply of soft drinks after ordering a big salty pizza pie? Pepsi Excuse Me, brought to you by Soda Engineers at Pepsi, is a new cola that quietly but repeatedly reminds you of its presence by speaking in a mellow and inoffensive voice:

It's a common misconception that you get all the Pepsi you need from the food you eat because there's a little Pepsi in everything, but, in truth, the Pepsi in food makes up only a fraction of the 64 ounces of Pepsi you need to drink every single day. With Pepsi Excuse Me, you'll be constantly reminded that you are near the Pepsi you need to feel normal.

Pepsi Excuse Me is entirely unlike other self-announcing sodas, such as the recent disaster, Coke Fuck You which repeatedly hurls loud and racially insensitive curses at anyone and everyone in the vicinity (although it is nowhere near as offensive as the earlier Cu Clux Coke). And contrary to what you may have heard, Pepsi Excuse me does not apologize for being Pepsi in the fashion of barely-even-a-real-soda-company Royal Crown Cola's R.C. Condolences. Instead, the "excuse me" in its name refers to the politeness with which Pepsi Excuse Me alerts you to its presence.

Pepsi Excuse Me is also available in the UK as Pepsi Pardon, Mum, in DE as Pepsi Guten Tag, in JP as PEPSI もしもし, and in the Southern US as Pepsi Howdy!. This Spring look out for Mountain Dew You Mind If I Come? and Doctor What's Uuup[sic] at select retailers.

Warning: Pepsi Excuse Me only has a "voice life" of around 10 minutes. If you keep them around your house for too long they become very spooky and sad as their voices slow down and lower in pitch. This can lead to the formation of a sort of "chorus of the damned" when several Pepsi Excuse Me products with low "voice life" are in the same vicinity.

Plot Elements

  • When Brayton answers Gary's phone call and addresses Gary before he has time to announce who he is, Gary believes Brayton has invented "Caller ID1" and is pitching the idea to him. Brayton humors Gary and describes the mechanisms by which "Caller ID" functions, but he lets Gary down when he states that it has already been invented. Gary Attempts to hang up the telephone and Brayton must remind him that it was in fact Gary who called Brayton.
  • Gary works at "the office." This may or may not be the same office that is featured in the popular sitcom.
  • The Sandman of The SHNSAC! had the night off on the night following Gary's woefully dehydrating work pizza party.
  • The Surgeon General recently announced that one needs to drink eight 8oz glasses of Pepsi every day to stay properly hydrated.
  • Food For Less was, at the time of recording, the only place one could still buy Coke Fuck You in Portland, OR.
  • Pepsi is the Reasonable Adult's VH1 to the fascist teen's MTV that is Coca-Cola.
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