Created by Delphine Software, played on SNES

Abject Suffering Episode 6 (3/21/2013)

Recommended by Murph Murphy

Randomization

Kole asks Gary to hand him a non-euclidean two sided die, also known as a coin. One side says "Home Improvement", the other side "Shaq-Fu". Kole flips the coin, Gary wants Home Improvement, but it is Shaq Fu.

Gary: fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck
Kole: He's like a fuckicopter!

Summary

Kole explains the game, they discuss hating the publisher, EA. Gary tells a story about an offensive bumper sticker. Delphine software is also discussed. Gary and Kole talk about being confused about the titles of Demon Stone and Dark Stone. Gary had more fun playing Shaq-Fu than any other game on Abject Suffering. The amazing cutscenes and story in Shaq-Fu are described. Whenever Gary does a Shaq impression it is Charles Barkley, Kole impersonates Shaq as Baby Cakes. Gary found the game very funny, they both hope the creators of Shaq-Fu were self-aware. Gary loves the names of the games made by Delphine. The actual fighting game parts of Shaq-Fu are described as "shitty". They love how jovial and nonplussed Shaq is at all the crazy shit in Shaq-Fu. Shaq does a martial art called Shaquido, not Shaq-Fu. Gary and Kole riff on the name Shaquido, comparing it to taquito and mojito. They are confused why Shaq does not fight with basketballs, like in Barkley: Shut up and Jam! (which is a basketball game without any fighting) The sprite sizes and jump distances are criticized. Kole compares this game to Dragonball Z. Kole and Gary find it funny that the villain of Shaq-Fu is named Set Ra, and talk about the plot more, including some extra scenes in the Genesis version. Gary recommends powering through this game on easy to see the funny cutscenes.

The hosts talk about how this game started as a rap album (Shaq Fu: Da Return). They describe the rap album, and its singles including some cameos by celebrated rappers such as Warren G and the Wu Tang Clan. Gary and Kole could never say no to Shaq, even if he asked them to move a piano from a third floor apartment. Kole has seen Kazaam, Gary has not. Basketball players becoming pop culture icons is discussed, Gary tells Kole about an interesting paper he read about why basketball players have a stronger public identity than people involved in other sports. Neither host is particularly interested in professional sports. Gary does not like it when celebrities use their fame to cross mediums. Gary is not sure if Rick Moranis is still alive.

Shaq Fu's game mechanics are touched on again. The various opponents Shaq must battle are described, and the fun battle quotes are read. Kole reads a cutscene about Beast (one of the Shaq Fu fighters) raising an army of skeletons. Shaq does not fight any skeletons in this game, which is a disappointment to all. Shaq's pose in the pre and post-battle dialogues is described. Gary realizes that the Genesis version has a lot more content than the SNES version, despite SNES fighting games generally having better controls. The portrait of Shaq used in the health indicator is compared to a melting candle or rotting Jack-o-Lantern. Gary loves the dance Shaq does when he wins a match, many various uses for it are described by Gary and Kole, such as eyelid tattoos or multiple torso tattoos used as a kinetoscope.

The dialogue between Shaq and Mephis is read in funny voices, Kole compares Mephis' pre-battle quote to Frank Booth from Blue Velvet. Gary finds Kole's constant movie references funny, and brings up how he'll have to explain it to a temp if he ever gets pregnant. Kole says that at least he isn't quoting Family Guy, Gary responds that they wouldn't be doing the show if that was true. The final boss fight is described. The great ending is described, including comparisons to Bioshock and Spec Ops: The Line. Gary restates that this is the only Abject Suffering game he's beaten so far. Kole brings up the movement to destroy copies of Shaq-Fu. Kole states that he is against game destruction, Gary tells about how he was going to make a video destroying Sword of Mana, but didn't.

Kole says they're running up on time, despite there being another fifteen minutes left in the episode. GameFAQs reviews and FAQs are read and clowned on. Some of the reviews are comical and poorly-written, intentionally and not. Whether or not the game needed Shaq is discussed; the conclusion is that it would still work with another celebrity such as 50 Cent or Larry Bird. One review has many fun Shaq-words, such as "laying the Shaq-down" and "Shaquin' off". The hosts learn about the mobile game Shaqdown. Kole brings up the topic of bad 16-bit fighting games. Gary talks about Eternal Champions, in particular the Senator character, and his Eternal Champions tournament on his old podcast. Kole found Time Killers very upsetting as a child.

Shaq-Fu is considered a redemption, at least as far as playing through on easy on an emulator. The Shaq Shuffle is discussed. Gary talks about searching for images of Shaq on Google. Shaq in general, in particular his winning smile is discussed at length. Pictures of Shaq smiling with animals are described. Gary and Kole consider watching basketball because they love Shaq.

Kole reveals that the game was recommended by Murph Murphy, and rings his trademark bell. Gary responds by saying that "Belles get bells" if you recommend a game they redeem, in a reference to The Pitch. They briefly talk about the upcoming episode, Home Improvement. They like basketball/rap/movie star Shaquille O'Neal more than misogynist comedian and convicted crack dealer Tim Allen. Eight seconds of Tim Allen noises follow. They search for more stuff about Shaq. They consider making a podcast about Shaq where every word eventually becomes Shaq. Kole talks about his Shaq research, and how great Shaq is on ESPN. They come up with a scenario where their Shaqcast leads to them meeting Shaq, going skydiving with him, then committing suicide because life will never be that good again.

Signoff

Kole: Long live the new Shaq.

Other bad games referenced

Home Improvement
50 Cent Blood in the Sand
Sword of Mana
Clay Fighter
Ballz 3D
Time Killers

Inside Jokes

Home Improvement - Mentioned during the intro, and at the end.
Shaq - This episode contains nonstop Shaq
Pepsi - The game is sponsored by Pepsi and contains many advertisements.
Skeletons - Shaq Fu contains a reference to skeleton soldiers, and the hosts wish to see a game about Shaq vs. skeletons.
Frank Booth - The pre-battle quote from the character Mephis is compared to Frank Booth.
Dark Souls - Gary compares jump attacks in Shaq-Fu to firing arrows around corners in Dark Souls.
GameFAQs - The FAQ is briefly mentioned and some reviews are read.
Kole's Childhood - Kole talks about playing arcade games as a child.
Bell - Kole rings his bell for Murph Murphy recommending this episode.
Tim Allen - Tim Allen is unfavorably compared to Shaq. Tim Allen impersonations are done by Gary and Kole.