The Hate Diamond

Those Damn Ross Kids - Episode 3 (10-12-2010)

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Summary

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Episode Page Description

Wherein Those Damn Ross Kids talk about anger problems.

Summary

The Ross Kids open the episode by cracking open their respective cans (Kris) and bottle (Kole) of liquid funny.

Following the theme song (Chase the Devil by Eagles of Death Metal[1]), Kole opens up about his recently discovered anger problem. Not that he's constantly raging, but that he has no idea how to control what little anger he has. A mention of an attempt to purchase a Rock Band 3 peripheral leads into a montage from that week's Stand Under the Don't Tree and Riddle Me This (sadly, the episode in question has been lost to the sands of time). It boils down to having no patience for people who can't do simple menial jobs. Kole likens his rage to Kent Brockman sans cheese danish[2]. Kris describes his similar anger management issues as every angry experience since age 12 boiling deep inside him, compressed like an everlasting gobstopper. Kole fears his brother may one day shit a Hate Diamond (title at 5:40).

Kris reveals that the term straitjacket originated from the practice of keeping gay men from masturbating, thereby making them straight. Or perhaps he just made that up[3]. Kole observes that not only do straitjackets sound comfortable, but they would solve night murder problems, as well as what to do with arms problems.

The Ross Kids break down the phenomenon of runner's high, where the body pumps endorphins to mask the pain[4]. Kole likens this to pain stimulus, leading to a rundown of some common fetishes, such as:

Being tied up in a leather mask
Hot wax on your nipples
Walking over broken glass (Diehard fetish)
Being ridden like a donkey, wearing a diaper, across a bed of molten glass
Having a sexy lady in stiletto heels stick a didgeridoo up your ass and play the theme song to Survivor

Fetishes are a lot of work though, and would result in Kris building the full Quagmire house. After all, there's no such thing as a cheap fuck swing.

Kris is disappointed in modern game shows. Why don't we have Kick Ben Stein's Ass yet? Kole cites Stein's batshit conservatism, and says his appearances on Fox's Red Eye make him want to pound dicks. Er, nails into his dick. Or maybe just dicks into every orifice. Look, he's just so angry with smug conservatives that he's inspired to discover his own secret sexual leanings just to spite them!

Another common fetish is the crash fetish. That's when you show up to a car crash and sexually violate the victim. Kris was the first responder to a crash this month. Perhaps that good deed mitigates Kole's earlier 20 minute Rock Band Drum Set diatribe.

Skyline Chili exists[5]. Skyline Dessert Chili does not.

Kole is sleepy after exhausting himself on the K-Mart Rock Band Drum Set incident. But it seemed worth it at the time, as the two things that warm the cockles of his heart are saving money, and new toys (spectacular laugh from Kris at 14:50). The cockle, of course, is the love valve of the heart. Kris just doesn't understand this as everything he ever got in life, he just took. But the Ross Kids don't manage a good allegory for such a philosophy, citing pavement earthworms (the adventerous ones get dried up), and Icarus, son of Daedalus. Daedalus, incidentally is not the plural of dildo. Dildren is the plural of dildo.

Kole saw some crazy shit last night. First off, he was a man in a car at a stoplight belting out Dido's "Thank You" with the windows down. But this shit is not crazy, says Kris. Crazy is a dude dressed as a cow, dick in one udder, performing unspeakable acts. But this shit is not crazy, says Kole. Crazy is living in a city long enough that you get used to seeing homeless men defecate in the corner. This shit is crazy, says Kris. Reminds him of the Feed the Children commercials[6] with "Jesus Loves the Little Children" playing in the background. Kole remembers seeing those videos as being one of the first times he questioned god. Kris remembers those videos as being one of the first times he questioned Feed the Children. Anyway, Kole saw some other crazy shit last night. He saw a possum that had just won a fight. Then he saw a woman pissing off of a dock.

In North Carolina, a farmer discovered that one of his trout tanks was missing a full 600 pounds of live trout[7]. Now the real question here is how does one fence a trout? There follows roughly 30 seconds of bad fish puns.

Kris explains everything with the hypothesis that UFOs and aliens are actually time travelers from the future. Facing destruction from stored nuclear waste, future people have to come back in time to save us all. Kole posits two objections to this theory (rather than talking like a normal fucking person, per Kris's request): Time travel is higher on the tech tree than cleaning up nuclear waste. But more importantly, where does the sports almanac fit into all of this?

Talking of UFOs, the best thing to send out over the airwaves to sum up human culture to an alien race would be ABBA. They already broke the language barrier since they just learned their songs phonetically. Kole thinks we should take a chance[8]. Kris hopes that we Don't Stop Believing[9].

Because fetishes haven't been mentioned in nearly 15 minutes, Kole muses over the possibility of a 9-11 paraphilia, wondering what that support group meeting would be like. What with the guy bankrupted after buying a 7-harness sex swing, and the cow suit guy from earlier, the 9-11 guy wouldn't have the guts to speak up. Kris doesn't buy that such a fetish could be a real thing, but Kole says stranger things have happened bringing up a woman who fell in love with an amusement park ride[10], and suggests that the emotional weight of 9-11 could tap into the brain's sexual nerve centers. Kris is unable to find any information about this instance of objectophilia, but does treat us to the definition of Dutch Rudder (completing the act of masturbation by pulling up and down on the forearm of another person). A viking ship is a circle of 8 or more performing the act of dutch rudder. It's like sexual mousetrap!

Kole discusses homesteading on another planet. Kris confuses homesteading with homestyle and/or homefries.

To end the show, Kris leaves Kole with this koan: Why are you the way you are?