Created by LJN, played on NES

Abject Suffering Episode 13 (6/20/2013)

Recommended by Murph Murphy

Randomization

Gary joins Kole in his lab underneath his shed. Kole explains DNA genomes. Kole cuts off one of Gary's fingers. Gary is nonplussed because of his inebriation. Kole is worried by his bleeding, but Gary is indignantly okay. Gary's finger is placed in a centrifuge and reads out the Uncanny X-Men.

Gary: Fudge.
Kole: Drat.
Gary: Pussy.

Summary

They introduce the game as published by LJN, and developed by ???. This game is part of the Enteractives Power Play series, and received the Nintendo Seal of Quality. Gary hypothesizes a scene of a kid who loves X-Men in the 80s, gets this game, and goes back to the store with a gun. Kole explains the gameplay; it is a top-down two player action game that contains none of the fun of the X-Men. Gary and Kole both love X-Men, and explain this love. There are many X-Men games, and many of them are good, not this one. Gary didn't play this game until he played it on an emulator. They explain the terrible controls and poorly-designed enemies. The character selection barely matters, which is terrible in an X-Men game. Melee characters are worthless. Gary emphasizes that Mario was out at this point, and even the terrible Wolverine NES game is more playable. The terrible graphics and design are described. Kole says the characters look like Lego X-Men, then says how there should be Lego X-Men.

The hosts go on to describe the level names, which are boring versions of things from X-Men, such as "The Practice" for a Danger Room level. Gary and Kole talk about how much better John Grisham's The Practice would be if it was John Grisham's Danger Room. The Days of Future past level is "Future City Street Fight", among several others. The terrible level names remind Gary of Superman IV. They talk about Magneto, and what was going on in X-Men comics at the time. There is a lot of verisimilitude on the cover of the game. Gary talks about Nightcrawler, and his teleportation vs. Kitty Pride's. Gary points out that Nightcrawler shouldn't be hurt from using his teleportation ability, because he just goes on a Hellride, like Wesley Willis. The Uncanny X-Men does not have characters with a good defensive vocabulary. Gary comes up with ways to make a good game out of this.

Getting to the end of this game requires a secret code, which is on the cartridge itself, and doesn't work. They talk about the secret code letter in Startropics, and how games requiring physical media is a thing of the past. Gary like the phrase Future City Steet Fight, because it sounds like something from a movie. Gary and Kole talk about the Tom Hanks movie Big. They also like the first two X-Men movies, which were written by David Hayter. Gary talks about Michael Chabon's film treatments, and how his X-Men treatment was bad, but his Fantastic Four treatment was good. They talk about the "Toad stuck by lightning" line from X-Men, and wanting to asking David Hayter about it at a con. Gary and Kole do not like X-Men 3. They discuss the next couple X-Men movies, Gary recommends First Class, although January Jones is terrible in it. Emma Frost makes Kole "diamond hard". Gary describes a terrible scene from X-Men 3, although there are some redeeming parts of that movie, unlike this game.

Gary talks about the Angry Video Game Nerd, and how his distaste for this game is justified. Gary suggests maybe playing this with Kole when he comes to visit. Kole talks about the preponderance of media about bad video games, and wonders how this hobby ever survived. Gary brings up the gaming industry of the time, about Sturgeon's Law, and how this game was probably still profitable. Gary states that this game is as bad as it gets, Kole adds that it's basically nonfunctional before launching into a rant about how this is one of the worst games they've done. Gary forces Kole to hypothesize what it would be like to have to playtest this game. This game is so bad it is below any criticism. Gary and Kole suppose that this isn't the last they've seen of LJN.

Gary talks about a Breaking Bad meme, and a related Twitter post.

Murph gets a "go fuck yourself".

They don't want to say this is the worst game they've played, because they know it only gets worse, and go on to talk about next week's game: Michael Jackson's Moonwalker. Gary and Kole don't give a shit about anything anymore.

Signoff

Gary: Umbasa.
Kole: Kill the Freak.

Other bad games referenced

Mr. T
Wolverine
Spellcraft
Home Improvement
Total Recall
Michael Jackson's Moonwalker

Inside Jokes

Home Improvement - Mentioned in passing.
Dark Souls - Gary quotes Dark Souls' predecessor, Demon's Souls in his signoff.